Happy Crackhead

I was feeling very pleased with myself because I am handling the sale of my house without my usual stressed-out-to-the-max frenzy. Then I thought "Wake up, crackhead! It's just the anti-depressants."

Room Service Crackhead

The room service guy brought us a corkscrew. He told us he's studying wine-making and that it's called "enology." We were all "Wake up, crackhead, that's not a word!" But then when he left, we Googled it. And um, yeah, it's totally a word.

Diabetic Crackhead

This morning, an NPR news reporter asked the question, "Do you ever wonder why dolphins don't get diabetes?" Um, wakeup, crackhead! It's because dolphins don't eat Ho-Hos!

Crackhead, It's Better Than Yours

He started to put the toddler's sippy cup straw in the dishwasher. It looked like there was still some liquid in the straw, and I told him so. "No, it's clean," he said. I grabbed the straw and sipped it to prove that I was right and guess what? Curdled milk tastes like vomit. I spit it out into the sink and said "See?!" Wake up crackhead, there's still some in there!

Crackhead Nuns

Received today: "I am sister Rose Williams the wife to late Dr Mark Willams, I am a cancer patient i inherited 15million euros from my late husband. I decided to use funds to help others in need since i have no child or close relations. I want you to use it for charity works. I will give you futher details on how to get the fund on reciept of your reply. Sister Rose Williams"

Wake up, crackhead. Nuns don't marry.

Crackhead Seals

He told me that someone was shooting seals. "Why would someone shoot a seal?", I asked.

"Wake up, crackhead.", he said. "Seals are the stray dogs of the ocean!".

Crackhead Orphan

A cute baby sat at a table near ours. My friend turned to me and said, "I want to adopt a Haitian orphan."

"Wake up, crackhead", I said. "You're not going to adopt a Haitian orphan."

Hot Crackhead

The gas-powered hotel fireplace kept going on by itself. "How is that happening?" I asked. "Because I am the Firestarter, and I can start fires with my brain," she answered. Wake up, crackhead! It's controlled by the thermostat.

Crackhead Waiter

We went out to dinner. I ordered shrimp cocktail, and the waiter dropped it on the floor. She brought another one, but it didn't taste very good, and the waiter apologized. Um yeah, but wake up, crackhead! Take it off the bill!